Sweet Soul Review Series

eeew

Monday, August 25, 2003
have you thought of being consumed? yeah, consumed... like something is literally eating you up... i have been in this "being consumed" state for sometime now... its been weeks... the evils of this workman existence has been gnawing at me... the lack of love interest is nibbling at me... the lack of time to breathe is chewing at me... the lack of sleep is biting... and just this weekend, mucous is eating me up... yes, mucous! i feel sicker than anything. i dont want to entertain the feeling as its gonna bring me down big time... i hate being sick... only for the reason that when i get sick, im on my own. i can see a dejavu coming!

Sweet Soul Review Series

Unit 802D

Wednesday, August 27, 2003
ah moving out and moving in... the story of my life.. at least one of the more interesting and repetitive parts of it.

i have been trying to live in that condo unit for 8 months running... i have been telling myself that i MUST move out from day two... and yes, it's been 8 months.

anecdotes i will never tire of telling:

+ i was having my "moments" moment one gloomy afternoon... all of a sudden, from the upper floor windows, come falling in from of my face, a cigarette butt! i had wanted to scream "ano ba kayo! nag-mo-moments ang tao dito e! bad trip naman e!"

+ since the sexbomb dancers / singers made "spaghetti" a hit... putang ina, ginigising ako ng kapitbahay ko ng 6:30 na umaga on a Saturday with "spaghetti" booming from their stupid windows!

+ i was cleaning the house one evening, this happened a few days after i moved in. i had my curtains put up naman... i saw a shadow from my neighbor's window which was adjacent to mine... i peeped through my window to see... voila! my male hunk of a neighbor was looking straight at me! and he didnt move ha, mind you... he didnt even care to blink... so what i did, i looked him straight in the eye but he didnt move! leche! okay lang, cute naman sya eh.. this happened a couple of times after that...i dunno what happend to him na.

+ i was trying to get some z's one time. it was around 3AM... RINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!
putangina FIRE ALARM YUN AH! so i grabbed everything of importance as i remember my dad teaching me when i was younger.... i went out and the people in the hallway were wondering if were the real thing... i started to wonder too... teka! why aren't we running to the lobby?.... someone said that it could be just a false alarm... man, fire alarms shouldn't be false alarms!!!!! grrrrrrrrrr so we were told by some neighbors who ran down the lobby, on their way back to their units, that we can all go back to sleep... kasi false alarm! tama ba yun?!

+ the false alarm thingy had more repeats... thus i have not been living there for the past 2 and a half weeks...

+ when i decided to go home last week, i found myself laughing in disgust when i got to the door... what greeted me was the lack of a WATER FREAKING METER!
yes, they took it out cuz i havent been paying my water bills... but would you pay P1800 for 3 months water consumption considering that you live in a building that hardly has water , your pad is a stinking studio, with faulty faucets and for heaven's sake... I LIVE ALONE!!!!!!

now, my apartment hunting has officially begun... regardless of the impending breach of contract.. i dont give a damn about a piece of paper that doesn't offer unit maintenance!

i shall move in closer to home... kapitolyo pasig here i come!

Sweet Soul Review Series

Monday, April 21, 2003
the days passed like leaves drying... life moving on, seeking for my approval on how it should pass... i stand entangled in the web that traps and holds me still... i want to break free and breathe free but it just pins me down... then cruelty of cruelties, flashes of the skeletons passed me... darkness engulfs me as if drowning me... i tried to free myself that i may swim up shore and breathe but i can't... i grope but i can't... i recovered by standing still, watching and living through every pain... every sinlge lashing pain... i move on with the pain but left stronger by each memory.

Sweet Soul Review Series

Tuesday, April 01, 2003
it ended like a flood drying up... the soft earth sucks the life out of me... leaving me dry and weary... the void, reappears followed by a sigh that seem to never end... is it fatal? for my soul perhaps... my body refuses to go, so it shall be till the day it exhausts itself... till the day it says its last goodbyes... so shall it be.

Sweet Soul Review Series

rain falls... wind blows... cold and wet is the day.

in need of warmth
of shelter
of embrace...

in need of a man
of love
of manic sex...

in need of a cuddle
of soft kissses
of tender touches...

in need of licking
of sucking
of swallowing...

in need of a man
of a hot man
of a kinky man...

in need of contact
of deep contact
of hard contact...

in need of warmth
of a man
of a man...

Sweet Soul Review Series

The Our lady of Mercy-Fuck

A friend of mine coined the term “Mercy-fuck” in one of our conversations. I was telling her about my sexcapade the night before and she suddenly blurted that I should change my MTC handle to “Our lady of Mercy-fuck”.

There are times when I get myself in situations where I cannot dodge sexual advances. Not that I don’t want any, but I’m talking about, sexual advances from guys that I either like but am not totally into, guys that simply don’t make my temperature rise no-mater how conducive the situation may be and guys that I may have made friends with but have no intention of humping, who suddenly get the urge to ask for it. There have been a handful of occasions when I just do it with them cuz I kinda feel sorry that they are not getting any.

During one of the recent EBs, I told my friends stories about the SEBs I have had. In the course of the EB one of my friends approached me to say “ang bait mo ate.” Meaning that he saw the guy I had an encounter with. An encounter that obviously was a case of MERCY-FUCK. I fucked him because naawa ako. Napilitan pero sige na rin, kasi kawawa naman sya eh.

Now, this makes me wonder, if there are men and women out there who can be classified as Our Lord / Lady of Mercy-fuck. I am sure that women have had such encounters. What do I want to know?

From the Women:
I want to know their take on the matter. How they deal with it or not deal with it. Perhaps even FRs from willing members.

From the Men:
I want to know if guys deal with this situation too. How they handle it and how to avoid it. If they even want to avoid it, for that matter. How would the guys feel if they found out that they got a mercy-fuck when all along they thought “I’m the man!”?

Are u merciful?

Sweet Soul Review Series

Imbalance

Balance, we all are yearning for it. Like we yearn for the security provided by love. Like we yearn for love itself.

Just when I felt like I am HOME, a storm starts brewing. Just when I thought I did strike a sense of balance, a sudden jolt made me lose it again.

Trusting my heart can be dangerous, for I feel that she is the most imbalanced part of my being. Easily swooned, easy fallen, easily conned and easily bluffed, all because she longs to find the love that she so painfully longs for. She longs for the love that she lost in her younger years. Yet can I trust just my mind? Be objective about things, about the situations, about my decisions, about the actions that I should take? Trusting my mind is just as dangerous, although less burdensome. Decisions made objectively, when gone wrong, can be taken lightly as these may simply be treated nothing more than a “decision”. What can’t be altered is the result or the consequence of such decisions. Then again, it can easily be acceptable and I think there can be solutions to miscalled decisions.

Trusting the universe who knows every minute detail, who knows the past, the present and the future, is my greatest salvation. For times when the heart and the mind can’t make up a conclusion or simply is confused, leaving the universe to finish its preconceived plan is my resolve. Breathe it out and offer it to the universe and she shall make things work out the way my life should be. There are things that should be solved, some to be confronted head-on, some to be ignored and then there are some to be left unsolved for they are but passing situations that completes the circle. My heart and my head can only take so much, and in times like this, I lift all my worries of imbalance and my experience of confusion to the Universe for I trust that she has the power to complete the puzzle. I trust that she knows the ending of this story. Today, I let go with faith.

Sweet Soul Review Series

Cold December

melancholic December
sadness embraces me
i sleep in its cold arms
i rest with tears streaming my eyes
day and night.

melancholic December
chilly like death
i am emptied
i am empty
day and night.

melancholic December
hazy and gray
i am dazed
i am confused
day and night.

melancholic December
love dying
i long
i yearn
day and night.

melancholic December
Still
I am Alone.
I am Lonesome.
Day and night.

Sweet Soul Review Series

Missing...

Friday, December 12, 2003
i love you
i miss you
i cry at night, day and night.

i love you
i miss you
i crave for you day and night.

i love you
i miss you
i want you day and night.

i love you
i miss you
i crave for you
i want you.

i want you back.

Sweet Soul Review Series

Silence. My death.


Monday, January 12, 2004
your silence is killing me
your thoughtlessness is killing me
your insensitivity is killing me
your selfishness is killing me.

i am dying because of you
i am dying with you
i am dying without you
i am dying for the love of you.

Sweet Soul Review One

Re-posting entries from my old blog.

--

Wednesday, June 18, 2003
the minutes seem like days, the days seem like months, the months seem like years, the years seem like centuries... damn i feel old.

my life seems like a never-ending loop: up and down, up and down and up and down i go... its has become a redundant continuum of stories that have been written beyond time. it's like a typical Filipino movie, a dramedy, with an anti-climactic musical sequence in the middle as if to jest the audience or test their ability to analyze its connection to the story, or to jar them for no reason whatsoever... i am the Dramedy Queen.

i have come to terms with the meaning of life. the only person i know who agrees with my definition of life is myself... i may be wrong though, for even if i believe that there might be truth to the claim that each one is unique, i believe too that there ought to be some replication, a mirror image of events, personalities and experiences. therefore, i define MY life as a reflection of the world and the people around me.

embracing this, i succumb to life as a dramedy that ends only when the film runs out. i dont fight it, i act it out... my script has been written before me and my job is to perform on the set to best of my abilities. i just wait for the time when the director says "CUT!" for me to rest, review my script or work on how to take on the new roles the script offers. it always is a challenge, but a challenge that i so long for every waking moment... but the best part of the process of filming my-so-called dramedy anthology is when the Director says "PACK-UP!" No better yet when he screams "GOOD JOB EVERYONE! THANKS FOR EVERYTHING! SEE YOU AT THE MOVIES." and wait for the kleig-lights to shut down, the airconditioner turned off, make-up removed and then slowly walk away from the set... oh i can't wait for that time as my head, my heart and my body are killing me for doing all these repetitive scenes.

in the meantime, i shall get back to my script, read my lines and put on my make-up and outfit as i have to step back in the set for the next act i have to play.